I told you so

We all want to be right. Validation of our ideas helps stabilize our sense of self. An expressed thought met with external support is the curing process of identity. Releasing an idea into the world is a vulnerable thing to do. It exposes the “bare metal” of ourselves to others. Met with criticism, these ideas can devolve into anxiety or self-doubt.

What might be worse is a spurned idea later being proven right with the due recognition remaining unsaid or lost to time. In the space between an idea being discarded and an “I-told-you-so” being born, we’re left to soak in contemplation. Coping mechanisms range from continued parroting of the idea to wallowing in self-pity.

This is why vindication feels so good — it pulls us out of the cold, dark valley of failure. How we respond to being proven right — no matter how much time has passed — is the real test of our character. Does our integrity withstand the turbulence of the ride?

Making matters worse may be our place in the hierarchy of group dynamics. Are you a person of authority who can act upon an I-told-you-so with action? Or are you a person of lower stratus for whom an I-told-you-so becomes someone else’s triumph? Ouch.

And what role does being a minority play in it all? Are you someone whose voice may not be heard and whose obstacles to success are dramatically different than this white male author’s experiences?

The closest thing I’ve come to a common-denominator antidote for the I-told-you-sos is passionate detachment (i.e. “strong opinions, held loosely”). The most successful mentors in my life have demonstrated this skill in nuanced yet meaningful ways, often leading through quiet and unheralded example. When they’re right, they silently move forward — implicitly acknowledging that ceremony may only act to slow momentum.

Passionate detachment enables us to straddle the possibility of being right with the alternate face of the I-told-you-sos: the “maybe-you’re-actually-wrongs.” Saving space for being wrong enables us to retain our self-worth in the face of failure.

The next time you have an idea, take a moment to assume the role of messenger; the idea might have formed in your head but it’s not you. Successful ideation is planting thoughts in ways that let others feel as though they came up with the idea too. Practicing passionate detachment sets you up for the success or failure of your idea as well as the possibility of it being co-opted by others. Ultimately, if it’s a good idea, we should only want it to exist even if that means putting it on a conveyor belt and watching it drift into someone else’s factory.

With enough time and done frequently enough, this behavior is how leaders are born. The delegation of good ideas is what separates those who express regret and contempt from people who are always looking for ways to move forward for the collective good.

And when you do find yourself in a position of leadership, remember the doldrums from where you came. Work to recognize the excitement, curiosity, and novel ideas from those you lead and lean into enabling those individuals with passionate delegation.